Saturday, August 13, 2011

The GRE Is Over... Now What?

I took my GRE this morning. And lemme just say, thank God gawd that's over. Phew.

I have been studying non-stop for this thing for two weeks. This may seem careless of me, only allowing myself 2 weeks to study for a test that determines my future in academia, but let me clarify: I bought a review book over Christmas break, opened it once on a particularly boring day, and then never looked at it again for three months. So, technically, I've been studying for several months. After all, this stuff is sirius bisniss.

After many practice tests, endless hours of studying, a lot of legitimate panicking, and some unnecessary sleepless nights, here are some conclusions I've drawn regarding the GRE:

1. The GRE is all about logic, whether it's math or reading or proper vocabulary use. This is a fact. This means that the GRE is a paradox.  Even though I've busted my ass at university for 3 years, preceded by 4 years of kinda-sorta trying in high school, it is totally logical that one test should decide the rest of my academic career. In case you're reading this, evil GRE minions, you can all suck it.

2. Scoring for this thing is so stupid. It keeps telling me that I’m significantly better at math than I am at verbal reasoning. This is false. I suck at math. However, here's my personal theory of relativity: I suck at math, but when the verbal reasoning for this test is friggin' ridiculous, of course I’m going to score significantly higher on math. This just shows you how hard the verbal part of this test is. I can barely divide a dollar into quarters; I am not good at math.

3. The reading comprehension for this test is redonk. If what my practice test scores say are true, being an avid reader all of my life has done me no. good. Apparently, I never understood anything I’ve ever read--I only thought I did. Everyone Poops? Yep, fail. Harry Potter? Nope, sorry, try again. Pride and Prejudice? Stop while you're ahead, gurlfrand.

4. The testing center for this thing is, like, on some kind of crazy lock down. You need to carry an ID with you at all times, you cannot carry anything in your pockets (not even chapstick!!!), and you get your picture taken every time you exit and re-enter the test area. Even if you just left to go to the bathroom for two seconds. Even though the administration lady obviously knows you haven't had facial reconstructive surgery in the 10-minute break, you still have to do it. Why the hell do they do this? Did a set of twins pull a switcheroo at some point and were stupid enough to get caught? Oh, wait... that wouldn't matter--because twins look the same. Twins have it easy.

5. Makeup shopping is probably not the best way to congratulate yourself on a job well-done. A week ago I decided, "Okay, if I do well, I'm going to go to MAC and buy myself 2 things." Then last night I decided, "Okay, if I do well I will still buy myself 2 things from MAC. If I do poorly, I will buy 5 or 6 things from MAC." It's decided: either way, I win. My wallet, however, fails so hard. Whenever I get home, I need to dispose of all the evidence that I was makeup shopping, because my mom doesn't get it. I get shamed for having more than two eyeshadows, which is one more than I "need." I feel like one of those wives who has to hide their shopping bags from her husband. Except I have no husband (thank god!). I win again.

All in all, I did better than expected. Then again, I should know by now that I’m good at pulling shit out of left field when I’m in a bind. If only I could figure out how to work a parking meter... after all, I can't divide a dollar into quarters. Ergo, I cannot feed the meter and have to beg the male parking attendant with the ridiculous mustache to not give me a ticket. Not that this has ever happened...

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